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Robert Red-Baer


Mean Lady
Four Member Chorus

Copyright 1978 by Robert Benet Baer

Robert Red-Baer offers individuals or theatre groups the production of this play royalty free (profit or non-profit)-- but they must receive permission from Robert Red-Baer.  If interested in producing this play, please click on the following box.

The MC enters and speaks to the audience. Sometime during his speech the chorus brings a blanket out with the Ugly Virgin under it. The Virgin can be a very masculine male wearing a stupid dress.

MC: Did you ever see the fun of a loving woman? Well I may only seem to be an MC, but don't you think I never have any women in my life. Why I've had thousands of them crawling at my feet. Did I ever tell you the joke about the woman who climbed up my stairs? (Moaning comes from the blanket.) Forget you heard any moaning. Just ignore it. It doesn't belong here. (more moaning) Would you please stop listening to that moaning, it has nothing to do with our lives or my joke. So just forget it! Probably some jer... I mean it's probably some disabled person that doesn't know what disabled really is. I mean they have no conception of how to live their lives. These goddamn idiots moaning all the time, never knowing what the hell they're moaning about, should all learn and take into consideration that all men are created equal and there is no excuse for moaning Let me tell you the joke about the woman that climbed up my stairs. (The blanket is now moving in some kind of sensuous manner and the MC is attracted to it.) A person goes through many phases in his life and at times he realizes he must investigate certain sounds, and that is what I feel my duty as a changing human is. (He taps on the blanket and speaks to it. The blanket slowly changes from moaning to breathing.) Hello under there. You know you have the neatest movements since movements all lost their movements. Why don't you lot us in on what your moaning movements are all about? (Chorus appears and gather around MC)

ALL CHORUS: Listen to it breath.

MC: Breath?

ALL CHORUS: Listen to it breath. (They all start breathing in unison.)

MC: It's not breathing, you are. (Chorus breaths louder) Do you have to breath so loud? (Pause) Stop it! (Chorus immediately stops) Uh... Thanks fellas. Now, what was I talking about?

ALL CHORUS: The blanket.

MC: Oh.

CHORUS 1: What's under the blanket?

CHORUS 1&2: What's under the blanket?

CHORUS 1,2&3: What's under the blanket?

ALL CHORUS: What's under the blanket?

CHORUS 1: Breathing.

CHORUS 2: Moving.

CHORUS 3: Blanket.

MC: Maybe it's a...,

CHORUS 4: Shut up.

ALL CHORUS: You don't know.

MC: Well Who knows?

ALL CHORUS: You don't.

CHORUS 3: You're just a dumb guy.

MC: Well, who knows.

BLANKET: I know.

ALL CHORUS: We know you know.

MC: Tell me what's under the blanket.

CHORUS 2: A body.

BLANKET: A special body.


CHORUS 4: We told you, you were dumb.

BLANKET: A very special body.

ACTORS: A female body.

BLANKET: Yes, a very special female body.

MC: A female body?! (Tries to get under blanket but chorus keeps him out.)

CHORUS 1: It-Is untouched!

CHORUS 1&2: Untouched!

CHORUS 1,2&3: Untouched!

ALL CHORUS: Untouched!

BLANKET: A sweet blessed virgin.

ALL CHORUS: A cherry.

MC: That's just the kind of girl I want to marry. (MEAN LADY enters. She is nasty and mean.)

LADY: Did you say you had a virgin here?

MC: That's what she says. (Points to blanket.)

ALL CHORUS: A sweet cherry from birth.

BLANKET: A state of total purity.

LADY (knocking a few people out of the way with her cane): I'll just go and see if that bitch is a virgin. (Goes under the blanket and there is movement and noises under it.)

CHORUS 1: She's checking.

CHORUS 2: Purity.


CHORUS 3: Purity at puberty.

CHORUS 4: Cherries.

CHORUS 2: Ripening in the sun.

CHORUS 4: The sweet blossom.

ALL CHORUS: Of life.

CHORUS 1: -Death.


CHORUS 1: Death!


MC: The girl I want to marry.

CHORUS 1: Break through.

ALL CHORUS: The cherry.

CHORUS 1: Birth.

CHORUS 2: Another cherry.

CHORUS 3: Love.

MC: I would only marry a virgin.

ALL CHORUS: But you would screw anything.

MC: That's right.

CHORUS 1: What do you screw?

MC: Anything.

CHORUS 2: Do you ball

CHORUS 4: feelings


CHORUS 3: Bodies?


BLANKET: Bodies!

MC: We all got bodies.

LADY (under blanket): I sure like to feel bodies.

MC: Flesh and bones.

ALL CHORUS: Souls and feelings.

CHORUS 1: If we got bodies?

CHORUS 2: Then who is the we that has the body?

ALL CHORUS: You are your body.

CHORUS 4: Love your body.

ALL CHORUS: Touch it.

CHORUS 1: Turn on to it.

CHORUS 3: Masturbate.

ALL CHORUS: No. That is bad.

CHORUS 2: You're a bad boy, Willy.

ALL CHORUS: Bad boy.

CHORUS 1: You're a bad girl, Mary.

ALL CHORUS: Nasty Mary.

MC: Virgin. I want to marry a virgin. (Mean lady comes out from under blanket.)

ALL CHORUS: Is she or isn't she?

LADY: Is she or isn't she what?

MC: A virgin?

ALL CHORUS: Tell us sweet virgin deciding lady.

LADY (swinging her cane.) I ain't sweet, and don't you forget that!

BLANKET: That's not what I thought.

LADY (hits blanket with cane): Shut up, bitch

CHORUS 2: Is she a real virgin?

LADY: She is. (everyone bursts our in song and dance until Lady stops it.) Shut your filthy mouths (to MC) You ready for the weddin'?

MC: Me?

LADY (to blanket): You ready under there sweety?

BLANKET: I sure am.

MC: What wedding?

LADY: You're gonna marry that virgin, sonny.

MC: I am? I really am? Just the kind of girl I want to marry.

ALL CHORUS: We know.

MC: Can I see her?

LADY: You fool, the groom can't see the bride before the weddin'. It's bad luck.

MC: How can I marry her without seeing her?

CHORUS 1: You never mentioned looks before.

CHORUS 2: That's right.

MC: I really wasn't prepared to...

LADY: Stick your lips together sonny, and don't unstick em till I tell ya to! (to blanket) Show em the leg. (Blanket sticks out leg and everyone whistles) Put it back.

ALL CHORUS: On with the wedding. (The chorus again burst into song and dance, then stop in a wedding formation.)

CHORUS I (to MC): Do you want to marry this virgin?

LADY (hitting him with her cane): Go on. Speak now.

MC:. I do.

CHORUS 1 (to blanket): Do you want to marry this dumb guy?

BLANKET: Can't keep this cherry forever.

CHORUS 1: I now pronounce you married. (The cast does a dance around the virgin during some kind of song or music. At the end of it, everyone positions themselves around the blanket.)

LADY (shoving MC under blanket): Go on, get your ass in there!

ALL CHORUS: The first night is full of fright! (MC comes running out, pulling the blanket off the virgin. everyone sees how ugly she is and also run away screaming. except for the Lady. The virgin is crying. Lady puts the blanket back over her and starts leading her away.)


LADY: Yes sweetie?

BLANKET: Why do you keep this blanket over me?

LADY: Helps your charm to ripen faster.


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