Conditions and application form for royalty free performance
List/History of Award Winning Videos
Complete list of royalty free plays by Robert Red-Baer
|Here are some worlds of Robert Red-Baer that you might like to visit. Click on one for the menu.|
OF WRITTEN WORDS-- Robert's publications, the secrets of vending
and getting rid of flies, etc.
WORLD OF SAMURAI SPIRIT-- Robert and Toshiro Mifune, Akira Kurosawa movie posters, pro wrestling, etc.
WORLD OF CAMPUS-- Robert and his students at Edogawa Women's Junior college in Japan.
from Mifune to Kurosawa to Japan
from eye color to recent play productions
Margaret - young housewife
Zelma - young housewife
Frank - Margaret's husband
Ted - Zelma's husband
Hunter - A big, bad, mean guy
Trumpeter - seduces women with his trumpet
Band Leader - Leader of the band
Band Members - the jazz band
Amazon Queen - Old lady head of the man hating Amazons
Waiter/Waitress - a waiter that turns into a waitress
Amazon Girls - young man hating Amazons
various exotic dancers and other extras
MARGARET and ZELMA, two housewives in their early twenties, are sitting at a table in front of the main curtain drinking coffee. They are dressed in simple housewife clothing.
MARGARET: How's your coffee, Zelma?
ZELMA: Fine Margaret, just fine. How's your husband?
MARGARET: He's fine. He's at work right now.
ZELMA: Me to! My husbands at work too!
MARGARET: Really Zelma? That's fascinating.
ZELMA: What a small
world. Gee, you never know what to
expect. Imagine that, both of our husbands at work at the same time.
MARGARET: (Her husband, FRANK, enters wearing a business suit. ZELMA doesn't react, because she cannot see or hear him.): That's about all my husband does, work and sleep. Work and sleep.
FRANK: Remember the first night we slept together?
MARGARET (Standing up, putting her arms around him): Oh Frank, that night and every night after.
FRANK: There was more than you that night. There was love In that warm bed.
MARGARET: And there's more and more every night after.
ZELMA: Yeah, my husband just sleeps, too. That's all he does. What a small world.
FRANK: Margaret, I have something very important to ask you.
ZELMA: Your husband's a pretty good lookin' guy. Shame he's wasted in bed.
FRANK: You know how much I love you.
MARGARET (to Zelma): You know, Zelma, sometimes when he gets in bed and goes to sleep, I lay awake for hours watching him.
ZELMA: He must really be exciting to watch.
MARGARET (to Frank): With our love, our perfect love, every day I wake is like being born a new person in the cool sunshine.
FRANK: I'm asking you to marry me.
MARGARET (to Zelma): You know why I watch him sleep? I wait for the chance that he might get hard and when he gets hard, if he gets hard, I jump on him for the few seconds I can squeeze out of his dream. That's all I have to live for. That's our marriage. (to Frank) Get married? (hugging and kissing him) Frank! Frank! Frank! You don't have to marry me. It's perfect the way it is. We don't need marriage.
ZELMA: I never thought of that.
MARGARET (to Zelma): What's that?
ZELMA: Getting him in his sleep.
MARGARET: It's better than nothing.
FRANK: I want to build on everything we have. I want to build our love along with a home. I want it to grow into a never-ending life. I want us to grow so much together we won't be able to tell each other apart. I want us to become one, a perfect union for the rest of our life. I want us to get married, because there is no sense in not getting married. Tell me you want this.
MARGARET: Yes Frank. Yes I want it. I want us! I want us forever. (Frank exits, To Zelma.): You know what I want?
MARGARET: I want to get out of this house. I want to do something.
ZELMA: Why? Why do you have to do something?
MARGARET: You do something so you don't have to sit here every morning drinking coffee, thinking of doing something. Because one day you'll be sitting here thinking of doing something and...
MARGARET: and then there was dark. (BLACKOUT. Total darkness and silence throughout the entire theatre.)
ZELMA (after a fifteen second count. It is still dark.): Margaret?
MARGARET : What?
ZELMA: Is this the same as It was before we were born?
MARGARET: Is what the same?
ZELMA: Us being dead.
MARGARET: We're not dead.
ZELMA: No? What are we?
MARGARET: We're going someplace.
ZELMA: Where? (A very faint trumpet- is heard in the background.)
MARGARET: Shhh... Hear that?
ZELMA: What is it?
MARGARET: It's from a place called The Horn. That's where we'll go.
ZELMA: How? My feet aren't touching anything. Margaret, I can't walk, I can't even find my feet or hands or anything. I'm scared.
MARGARET: Nothing to be scared of, just move towards the horn.
MARGARET: Don't worry, you'll do it. Now let's go. (The trumpet, playing nice clean, smooth notes, is recorded. The volume of the recording is slowly raised to give the feeling of closing in on a distance. When it reaches a desired volume, a real trumpet takes over.)
ZELMA: Oh Margaret, you're right! We're going there. (The curtain quietly opens and a single white spot comes up on the TRUMPETER.) Look at him! Just look at that man!
MARGARET: I know. I know. (They walk up to TRUMPETER. He points his horn at Margaret and starts playing seductively.)
ZELMA: Look, he's talking to you! (Margaret is slowly drawn to him.)
MARGARET (with very sensuous movements): Oh, oh, it's been so long. (She moans here and there throughout the Trumpeter's seducing solo. She follows where the trumpet points at her body with her hands caressing her own body as if her hands were an extension of the trumpet. The Trumpeter moves his trumpet from her face to her shoulders, to her breasts and on downward.)
ZELMA: I know this isn't the time to say this, but talk about being horny. (Trumpeter seduces Margaret into lying down, loosening her clothing and spreading her legs apart. The trumpeter is on his knees, aiming his trumpet at her you-know-what and she is responding.) I'd like to know who taught him to play that golden instrument. (As the trumpeter climbs to a climax, other instruments not yet seen, join in. At the climax, the lights and other curtains, if necessary, come up quickly to show Margaret laying on a bandstand in a cabaret. type set-up with people sitting and drinking at tables, looking at the bandstand. The Trumpeter has the rest of the band behind him. The band is completely silent after the climax. Everyone in the place LAUGHS at Margaret. The Trumpeter plays a parting note and takes a seat with the rest of the band. Zelma helps embarrassed Margaret off the bandstand to a table on the side. The BAND LEADER goes up to the microphone)
LEADER: Welcome ladies. And welcome everyone of you. Welcome to The Horn. The place... (starts to giggle) The place... (laughs) The place where dreams are made into music! Music! (The band plays. People get up and dance. If it seems like it will work out to the audience's enjoyment without making them feel uncomfortable, some of the actors can try to get them up to dance. A short time after the dance starts, Margaret is moved onto the dance floor. The people dance around her, lifting her, moving her and dressing her in a beautiful flowing gown. The lights change, focusing their attention on her. She is set on the bandstand as though she were to be sacrificed. The music ends. There is a moment of silence. The drums roll. ZELMA slowly rises up from behind Margaret. The drums stop as Zelma stands over Margaret.)
ZELMA: I've been watching you. For a long time, Margaret. Your body...
MARGARET: No. (Drums)
ZELMA: Your body, my neighbor. My neighbor's body...
MARGARET: No. (Drums)
ZELMA: My neighbor's body being wasted by its husband. Lying there in it's perfect nudity. unable to respond to even the air. Him sleeping as the body's fragrance begs for his attention. His nose not even showing a glancing sniff. Margaret, your body...
MARGARET: No. (Drums)
ZELMA: Your body is a woman's body, like mine. But yours is separate. A separate body a woman's body. My eyes look at the separate body. They push my hands in front of me. The eyes follow the hands and look at your pleasure. My hands pleasing-- my eyes following my lips reaching...
MARGARET (Without moving her body, her hands. slowly reach up towards Zelma): No. (Drums) I can't... not with a woman. (Sexual breathing is heard in the background)
ZELMA: My lips reaching, feeling for the taste, the taste of your smooth warm, your warm flesh.
MARGARET (her hands reaching Zelma's and pulling Zelma down to her): No Zelma, I can't. We can't. Oh God, we are. (The lights grow dimmer. A single beat on a bass drum joins the breathing as the breathing gets heavier and deeper. Margaret moves down on Zelma caressing and kissing her. The lights go to blackout, as the breathing and drum continues. During the blackout the curtains close. The lights come up and Margaret and Zelma are laying beneath the table with their clothes all apart and in a state of total exhaustion.)
ZELMA: Phew! (slowly crawling to the front of the table.) What happened?
MARGARET: (also crawling to the front of table): I Just don't... don't believe it. (They are both sitting on the floor in front of the table looking around in a state of confused amazement.) I started thinking about a man and then...
ZELMA (They still aren't looking at each other): Gee, I don't know what happened. It just happened. (They look at each other without a word)
MARGARET: It was beautiful.
ZELMA: I love you. (They embrace)
MARGARET: Me too.
ZELMA: Ya know something?
ZELMA: We both have husbands.
MARGARET: I know.
ZELMA: What do ya think?
MARGARET: I think.
ZELMA: Me too. (FRANK enters. He can't see Margaret or Zelma. He walks over to the table and picks a letter up from it. Margaret and Zelma stand behind him. He acts as though he is reading it.)
MARGARET: Dear Frank, I'm going to be frank with you. I don't want you to take this personally, but I am running away with your next door neighbor. We are in love and have no plans for ever returning. Take care of (Margaret and Zelma start to exit.) everything that is left, including the other-lonely neighbor. Yours truly, Margaret. (Margaret waves good-bye as her and Zelma exit.)
FRANK (calling offstage): Zelma! Zelma!
TED (Zelma's husband calling from the wings): Margaret! Margaret!
TED & FRANK (in perfect synchronization): They're still here. I'll get that son-of-a-bitch! (Ted starts walking from the wings towards Frank and Frank starts walking towards the wings towards Ted. They meet at the midpoint.) You son-of-a-bitch! What the fuck do ya think you're doin' with my wife?! (pause) Hey? Wait a minute.
FRANK: You didn't run off with Margaret?
TED: No.. And you never ran off with Zelma.
FRANK: Of course not.
FRANK & TED (Both holding out their letters to each other): Then what about this? (They look at each other's letters) They're exactly the same. (They hold their heads and sit at the table. Then they talk to themselves.)
FRANK: Where did I go wrong?
TED: What did I do?
FRANK: I slaved at the office every day to give her a good home.
TED: I bust my balls for her and this is what I get?
FRANK & TED: That rotten bitch! (They slam their fists on the table, stand up and face in opposite directions.) I'll get that bitch! (They face the audience) I'll see the Hunter! (Blackout. The drums roll. Lights come back up on the Hunter. He is a big man dressed in a safari outfit and carrying a big rifle.)
HUNTER: I am the hunter. I am a big man and I throw terror and fear into the hearts of my prospective victims. (He gives a strong stare to the side and a scream is heard.) That was the mother of one the unlucky unfortunates. When I look at her she sees her dead son in my eyes. (He looks again to the side and again there is another scream.) I can see her dead son in my eyes and I don't cry and scream. When I see her son saying his last breaths with his deep red blood gushing from his heart, my entire body leaps forth in grand ecstasy! The earth trembles beneath my powerful feet! My depths rejoice in the suffering that leads to his final peace! (FRANK and TED are slowly approaching the Hunter.) Now what do you want?! (Frank and Ted jump back.) Nobody runs from the Hunter. Now bring your trembling bodies over here. (They walk cautiously to the Hunter.)
FRANK: H... How much does it cost?
HUNTER: I'm a fair man. I kill for the poor and the rich on a non-discriminatory policy based on equality. Ten per cent of your annual income for each killing.
TED: Me too.
HUNTER: Cash in advance. (They reach in their pockets and hand him the money.) Who is the victim?
TED & FRANK: My wife's lover.
HUNTER: And who may that be?
TED & FRANK (point at each other): His wife. I want his wife killed and my wife brought back.
HUNTER: In that case there will be a small carrying charge.
TED & FRANK: How much?
HUNTER: Another two per cent. (They hand him the money.) Go home and relax. I, the mighty hunter, will fearlessly carry out your wish.
TED & FRANK: Oh, thank you.
HUNTER: Be gone with you! (They start running as he fires his rifle in the air. A dead duck falls at his feet.) I never miss. (Blackout. The lights come up to a very low intensity. Margaret and Zelma are sitting with their suitcases by a warm fire.)
MARGARET: I'm thinking.
ZELMA: Where are we?
ZELMA: Is that far?
MARGARET: I don't know. Forgot to count.
ZELMA: Is this the deep dark unknown?
MARGARET: We still have some light.
ZELMA: That's right, and it's warm.
ZELMA: Can we kiss? (Margaret turns to her and they kiss.) It can't last forever, can It?
MARGARET: We can try.
ZELMA: I mean, the last kiss, it's gone already. (Frank & Ted enter. They are invisible to the girls.)
MARGARET: The kiss that is gone, leaves room for a new one. (They kiss again.)
FRANK: What makes that bitch think she's better than me. No woman's going to steal my wife from me. (He grabs Zelma and starts shaking her.) What the fuck do you think you're doin'?! You ain't got no balls-- you ain't got no prick. You lousy lesbian wife stealer. All you got is one big pussy, same as Margaret. I got the thing to please her, not you! (Ted grabs Margaret and starts shaking her.)
TED: The same goes for me!
FRANK: There's nothin' you can give her that I can't.
TED: That's right.
FRANK (dropping Zelma and going over to Margaret. At the same time, Ted drops Margaret and goes over to Zelma): Listen to me, you pussy lickin' tit suckin' thing called a wife--
TED (to Zelma): Just listen!
FRANK: Why the fuck do you think I was born with a dick and you were born with a cunt. It's so I can fit into you and you can feel me there.
TED: Ask Adam and Eve.
FRANK: If women were made to be together there wouldn't have been a need for men. I'm a man and you're a woman. You're my wife and you know what the guys at work are doing? They're laughing at me. They're laughing at my wife running off with a pussy. They don't even believe I have a prick. Well, you'll find out what kind of prick I have when the Hunter knocks that cunt snatcher off and brings your terrified ass home. I just wish I could be there when he finds you in some perverted embrace.
FRANK & TED: I'd like to see your eyes watching your lover dance with death. (They exit. Zelma and Margaret carry on as though the men were never there.)
ZELMA: You know what?
MARGARET: I'm thinking.
ZELMA: We can never have a baby.
MARGARET: We started out as babies.
ZELMA: That's right. (smiles) I remember mommy putting that soft diaper on me.
MARGARET: And we're going to end up as...
ZELMA: As what?
MARGARET: If you never start the race, you never have to worry about finishing it.
ZELMA: Did you hear it?
ZELMA: Listen. (A trumpet is heard in the distance.)
ZELMA: Is it The Horn. Is that where we're going?
MARGARET: I don't know. (AMAZON QUEEN dressed a little like a witch and with a crooked cane, appears behind them. She has a crackling voice.)
AMAZON QUEEN: Ha ha, so you don't know where you're going, eh?
ZELMA: Do you know where we are?
AMAZON QUEEN: You're right here, Honey, so let me give your juicy orange a little squeeze and give you a taste of my wrinkled lips. (She squeezes Zelma's breast and kisses her. She turns to Margaret.) Yer doin' all right there, Missy. Now let me plunk your magic twanger. (She starts to go for Margaret and Margaret jumps up.)
MARGARET: Get away, you nasty old lady.
AMAZON QUEEN: You're not talking to any old nasty old lady, finger fucker! (Hits Margaret with her cane.) You're talking to the reigning Queen of the Amazons! (Lights come up and curtains open or whatever. Two girls dressed in some native outfit are holding spears on Margaret and Zelma. Two or four other girls come forward to AMAZON QUEEN carrying an open sedan chair. She sits down on it and they carry her back a few feet. While all this is going on, drums are beating. Margaret and Zelma reach for and try to embrace each other. The Amazon girls separate them.)
AMAZON QUEEN: Welcome to our tribe, girlies. You will shortly be an official Amazon. A woman that needs no man. Not for a fuckin' thing.
ZELMA: We don't want this. We just want to be with each other.
AMAZON QUEEN: You will be with all of us. And you will be with me first. (To the Amazon girls) Prepare them for my affections! (Heavy beat music comes up. Margaret and Zelma are held down as TWO EXOTIC DANCERS come out and strip in front of them----As they are stripping they periodically give Margaret and Zelma an affectionate touch. Margaret and Zelma scream when they are touched. After the strip, the Amazon girls bring them up to the Amazon queen.)
AMAZON QUEEN: Who wants to be first?
MARGARET & ZELMA (Not simultaneously): No! God please, No! (They also scream and squirm.)
AMAZON QUEEN (to Margaret): Let my wrinkled body make sparks against your young flesh.
ZELMA: No! leave her alone! (Amazon Girls start pushing Margaret up to the Amazon queen's throne. Margaret is screaming, trying to get away. Zelma is screaming and trying to reach Margaret.)
AMAZON QUEEN: Nothing tastes better'n a young pussy.
As soon as people start
getting situated for the intermission.
Margaret and Zelma both break out into the theatre from any type of
or exit in the building. They are chased through the theatre, lobby and
all, by the Amazon Girls. The Amazons are screaming for people to stop
them and . Margaret and Zelma are screaming for the people to stop the
Amazons. Margaret and Zelma escape from them during the intermission.
The scene opens with MARY, not beautiful, but not bad looking, sitting at the kitchen table in front of the curtain with Frank. Mary is wearing some kind of nightie. They are drinking coffee.
FRANK: Pretty good session, wasn't it?
MARY: Uh huh.
FRANK: Gee Mary, I never thought we'd ever get the chance to get together. It sure was worth it though, wasn't it?
FRANK: Now you know what that stupid wife of mine is missing, don't you?
MARY: I certainly do.
FRANK: I had a lot of experience before I was married, and little extra after. Hee hee.
FRANK: The experienced man always comes out on top. Ha ha. Get it?
MARY: very clever.
FRANK: All the times we used to get drunk together, me and my wife and you and your husband, You and I would play rubsies under the table, while we played with secret sexy glances over the table. And now we've finally done it and we've finally realized the ultimate in sexual experience. You and I together, Mary, we make a real team. (pause) Mary, How do I rate with other guys you slept with?
MARY: You're up there.
FRANK: I mean if you had a ten point scale, where would I be.
MARY: Pretty far up there.
FRANK: What number?
MARY: Just about ten.
FRANK: Who's ten? Tell me who ten is?
MARY: You really want to know?
FRANK: Is it someone I know?
MARY: It's me.
FRANK: Oh, I get it. Ha ha. Then I must be the best of the rest.
MARY: There's no one like you, Frank. Well I must get going. (Puts a rain coat on)
FRANK: We'll see each other for another one of our fantastic times over the springs, eh Mary?
MARY: I won't be able to for at least a year, Frank.
FRANK: A year? You told me I was the best!
MARY: There's no one like you, it's just that my husbands coming home.
FRANK: You said he left you forever..
MARY: He decided to come home tonight. Bye. (Starts walking off-stage)
FRANK: Well whenever you can sneak a free moment, the old stud is here waiting for you. Ha ha.
MARY: I'll remember that. (exits)
FRANK: What a woman. (TED enters)
FRANK & TED (to each other): Hi. (They slowly turn to the audience and a giant grin slowly appears on their face's) I did it! (They start laughing and rolling on the stage. Blackout.)
ZELMA'S VOICE: Margaret, That Amazon Queen was a sex maniac. She tried to rape us.
MARGARET'S VOICE: I think we've lost them. Hold onto me Zelma. ZELMA'S VOICE, Where?
MARGARET'S VOICE: Wherever it feels best.
ZELMA'S VOICE: How about right here?
MARGARET'S VOICE: That feels pretty good. Try a little lower. (pause) Oh yes. Oh Zelma, that's the place! Don't stop! Oh. Oh. (etc. Her voice fades away.)
AMAZON QUEEN'S VOICE: I'll find you inexperienced bitches! No one escapes from the affections of The Amazon Queen! No one usually wants to.
HUNTER'S VOICE: Aha-- a clue for the mighty hunter! A fire. Their fire. Still hot enough to warm my trigger finger. They are reaching the end of their trail. (Lights and curtains come up. The Horn is swinging with the band playing. People are dancing, shouting and having a discotheque good time. After a time the band stops and plays introduction music.)
BAND LEADER: And now
ladies and Gentlemen, coming to the
Horn, direct from miles of experience, a special treat for the ladies,
and an awesome spectacle for the rest of us! Presenting the uncontested
studs of the year-- Frank and Ted!
(Frank and Ted enter through the main doors and stand there. Everyone oohs and ahs. Ted and Frank straighten their collars or whatever in a cool stud sort of manner. They walk side by side through the center of the tables and chairs. During all this the band plays music, but not dance music, to go with their movements. Ted is as close to the mirror image of what Frank is doing as possible throughout the rest of this scene. They each concentrate on opposite sides of the stage. They look at girls, touch them and reject them as they move down towards the front. keeping the image of the utmost in studdery. Frank eventually winds up with Mary and Ted another girl on the opposite side of the stage. Mary is wearing her raincoat over the same outfit as the last scene. Ted's girl is dressed exactly the same as Mary. Ted and his girl imitate exactly what Frank and Mary do, except that they do not make sounds with their mouths. Mary is sitting alone at her table with a tall drink. Frank stands over her.)
FRANK: Hey baby, you're lookin' the wrong way.
MARY (turns): Hellooo...
FRANK: Let's skip the preliminaries.
MARY: For a hunk a stud like you, I'd skip the biggest oceans and the highest mountains.
FRANK: Yeah, and let's skip all the talk.
MARY: Anything. I'll skip anything.
FRANK: The raincoat.
FRANK: Off with it.
MARY (taking it off): How stupid and selfish of me to keep you in suspense like that. Forgive me. Please?
FRANK (sitting): Kiss my left pinkie.
MARY: I'll kiss anything. (kissing his pinkie.)
FRANK: Are you prepared to sleep with me?
MARY: I've waited all my life. (Margaret and Zelma enter. Margaret goes to Frank's table and Zelma goes to Ted's table. Zelma imitates Margaret's actions.)
FRANK: I've had two girls die of heart attacks from all the excitement. Young girls, too.
MARY: My heart is strong. (Goes back to sucking his pinkie. Margaret pushes Mary away and kneels in front of Frank) What the...
MARGARET: Frank, please. Please take me back. I can't stand it without you. I can't get any satisfaction.
FRANK: Fuck off. I have all I need without you.
MARGARET: Oh Frank, no one can compare to you. you're the best in the world.
MARY (jumping on Margaret): Get away from him! He's mine for the night. (pulls Margaret off and holds onto Frank's leg.)
MARGARET: Frank, please. You can still sleep with other women. I'll even cook for them. Just sleeping with you once a month is enough to satisfy me.
MARY: You can't have him tonight!
FRANK: Get outa here Margaret. You will never have the pleasure of my body again.
MARY: That's tellin' her!
MARGARET: I'll kill myself!
FRANK: Do as you please. Just stay away from me.
MARGARET (walking to the back. Zelma does the same.): Why did I ever leave.
FRANK (snapping his finger): Waiter! (The waiter is immediately there. Same thing at Ted's table.)
WAITER: Yes air, Mr. Stud.
FRANK (indicating Margaret): Bring the lady a sharp knife.
WAITER: Right away sir. (Waiter brings Margaret, who is in the back, a knife.)
MARY: What a magnificent stud. (starts rubbing all over Frank.)
FRANK: We'll have a warm up sprint on the dance floor before I satisfy you beyond your limited expectations. (to the band) Let's have some music! (The band plays some creative music. Frank and Mary and Ted and his girl move out on the dance floor. This could also be creatively choreographed. As everyone is dancing, Margaret and Zelma stab their own selves with the knives on the dance floor. Frank and Ted, respectively, kick The bodies of Margaret and Zelma out of their way while they are dancing. Also while the girls are killing themselves, people scream and stuff. At the end of the dance everyone breaks out in a fit of laughter. Blackout.)
HUNTER'S VOICE: Okay, I gottcha! This gun is right on your head. One move, one false step, and bang! Your head'll be kissing your feet.
AMAZON QUEEN'S VOICE: Are you talkin' to me, young man?
HUNTER'S VOICE: Do you feel cold steel against your head?
AMAZON QUEEN'S VOICE: Is that your cold steel that my head can feel?
HUNTER'S VOICE: It's my steel your head's feelin'!.
AMAZON QUEEN'S VOICE: My head don't like your steel sneakin' no feel. Now respect your fuckin' elders and get off my head! (A dull thud is heard)
HUNTER'S VOICE: Oooo..! Ya kicked me right in the...
AMAZON QUEEN'S VOICE: That's right sonny. Now git movin' 'for ya lose 'em completely!
HUNTER'S VOICE: The only reason you I alive, is you're the wrong person, lady.
AMAZON QUEEN'S VOICE: I demand respect! (Another dull thud is heard.)
HUNTER'S VOICE: I'm just sayin' you're lucky, ma'am.
AMAZON QUEEN'S VOICE: Shut the fuck up and keep crawlin'! (Lights come slowly up to show a dark barren open space. The setting should give a feeling of the deep ocean. Not the feeling of water, but the feeling of the deep mysterious dark with the strange glowing fish floating by. It should almost represent a negative of the setting for "The Horn". Margaret and Zelma are sitting at a table, wearing white, if possible.)
ZELMA: Do you have any money?
MARGARET: I have enough.
ZELMA: I don't have very much.
MARGARET: You don't need it.
ZELMA: I'm so hungry. All this traveling.
MARGARET: I'll take care of your appetite. (A WAITER approaches. He is dressed in white.)
WAITER (eyeing the girls with sexual ideas): Yes?
ZELMA: Do you have a menu?
WAITER: No. I am the menu. Would you like to read me? The appetizers are here. (Points to his head) The main dish is from here to here. (Points from his head to his feet.) And. the dessert is ... (Starts to point to his thing)
MARGARET: I'll have turkey.
ZELMA: Me too.
WAITER: Two turkeys. Are you sure that's all. (sits on Margaret's lap.)
MARGARET: Yes, that's enough. (pushes him off.)
WAITER: Okay. Okay! You don't have to be so mean. (Walks dejectedly off stage)
ZELMA: This place doesn't seem to get much business.
MARGARET: That's because it's so far away from everything.
ZELMA: It's a funny feeling, Margaret, being far away. When I was a baby, I remember my mother's hand being far away, too far away for me to reach-- It was only close when she gave it to me. But it was always too far away to reach. (pause) I loved my mother's hand.
MARGARET (putting out her hand): Here. (Zelma holds it and puts her cheek against it.) This isn't your mother's hand. It's a warm loving hand, Zelma. It's my hand. My hand becoming a part of you, caressing you, going with you. It's a part of me and I'm giving it to you, for you, making it us. If this hand was all of me, it would be no less than it is now. Right now I am more than all the love you've ever had. You are more than all the love I've ever had. My hand is holding this love and protecting this love. Can you feel it, Zelma? Can you?
ZELMA (holding Margaret's hand as it caresses her face.): Yes. Yes ... I can feel it... feel it touching everything, moving everywhere, filling my entire body. My God Margaret, you're inside me! (Waiter comes out with two covered dishes.) All of you is in all of me. Oooo...
WAITER: Here you are, ladies. (He sets Zelma's in front of her and sits on Margaret's lap as he sets her dish down. The Hunter enters and stands unnoticed in the back ground.)
MARGARET: Get off me.
WAITER: You don't even have to give me a tip. (Puts his arms around her) Just you. All I need is you. You woman!
MARGARET: Get off, you're heavy.
ZELMA: Leave her alone.
WAITER (Zelma getting up and tugging at him): You don't know what it's like to be out here in this desolate wilderness. Never seeing a woman. only damp dreams. You! You woman! I want you! Please, I want this to be real. I don't want another dream.
ZELMA: I want to see the manager.
WAITER: This is real! It's real!
MARGARET: (straining): Off ... I can't breath...
WAITER: Not off, I want in. In! (Hunter walks up and kicks Waiter off of Margaret.)
HUNTER: You heard the lady!
WAITER: It's real, all right.
MARGARET (breathless): Thank you.
ZELMA: I don't know what we would have done without your courageous help.
HUNTER: Nothing to it. (Points to Waiter, who is still rolling on the ground.) That thing groveling on the floor is easier then snuffing out the life of a crippled Caterpillar.
MARGARET: Can we buy you a drink or something?
HUNTER (sitting down): Don't mind if I do. (to waiter) Hey you!
HUNTER: Yeah you, creepy crawler. Over here!
WAITER (standing and walking over to him): Yes si... si... sir?
HUNTER: The ladies you were so impolitely molesting are buying me a drink.
HUNTER: So! (Slams the butt of his rifle on the table.) Get me a drink!
WAITER: Wha... What k.. kind?
HUNTER: The usual.
WAITER: Ch.. chilled bu... bulls bl... blood?
HUNTER: And don't forget the cherry.
WAITER: Yes si... sir. (runs off stage)
ZELMA (sitting): You live around here?
HUNTER: No, but I do quite a bit of hunting in this area.
MARGARET: Oh, so you're a hunter.
HUNTER: Born and raised a hunter.
ZELMA: Gee, what an interesting life. What kind of animals do you hunt?
HUNTER: Well, I used to hunt ducks until I was four.
ZELMA: What do you hunt now?
HUNTER: When I was four it was a clear day. It was early in the morning and you could see as far as your eye could take you, a few puffy white clouds standing still in the sky. My father and mother were with me in the duck blind near the river and the sun was just starting to peak at our watchful eyes. Just when the sun was peeking our attentive ears heard the sound of the ducks flying south for their winter vacation. We waited in our instinctive silence. They came closer and closer, and we could hear their wings flapping, circling the river, getting ready to land. I had just been reading Oedipus under the warm candlelight the evening before. My father slowly raised his rifle choosing one of the circling ducks for his target. I slowly raised my rifle, aiming it at my father's head. You see, Oedipus killed his father and married his mother. My mother was watching, but she could not speak. My father slowly squeezed the trigger. The gun fired and he hit his target. The duck was falling as I squeezed my trigger-- blowing my father's head off. It was like time standing still, my father's head falling and the duck falling, both hitting the water at the same time. The splash, was like no splash I have ever seen..
ZELMA: Did you marry your mother?
HUNTER: No. I was too young, and besides, she was too ugly.
MARGARET: So, what do you hunt?
HUNTER: Isn't it obvious? People. (silent pause) Don't let me keep you ladies from eating. (Waiter is walking out with the glass of bull's blood. Zelma takes the cover partially off her plate, putting it back right away and starts hysterically screaming. Hunter jumps up, knocks the cover off the dish with the butt of his rifle, turns the rifle around and blasts the hot dog that is sitting on the dish. Margaret is running over to Zelma trying to calm her down.)
MARGARET: Zelma! Zelma! What is it?
ZELMA: It ... it was a hot dog!
HUNTER: I never miss. (Blackout, except for a spot on the Waiter standing by the table. There is total silence.)
WAITER: They asked for turkey and I gave them hot dogs. That's all we have is hot dogs. Most of the time the customers here believe they got what they ordered and all they have is a hot dog. I've had orders for prime filet, oysters on the half shell, Peking duck, escargot pheasant under glass, tacos and about anything you can find in the best restaurants. They've always gotten hot dogs and complimented the chef on their fine dinner. Those other people, they believe, they know how to use their imagination. But these two women, they don't know how to believe! or they don't want to believe-- they just don't believe! That's not the only thing they don't do, either. They don't want to be affectionate, warm, or passionate. That one girl won't even let me sit on her lap. What's her problem, she got a special reserved lap or something. Can't lower her high nose for me, just because I'm a waiter. Well, I'm not going through this torture anymore. I'm going to start a new life, a life where people will respect and look at me for what I am. I'm not going to be a waiter for one more second. I'm starting my new life as of now! From now on, I am going to be a waitress! (The band, not seen, plays music as the Waiter miraculously changes into a Waitress. When the rest of the lights come up, Margaret is comforting Zelma and Hunter is still standing where he was. Waitress walks up to him with his drink.)
WAITRESS (tapping Hunter on the shoulder): Sir?
HUNTER (quickly swinging around): What the fuck do you... Hey, what happened to that ugly waiter?
WAITRESS: He quit being a waiter. Your drink?
HUNTER (taking drink): Why thank you. (He sits down at the table.)
WAITRESS (going over to girls): Is there anything I can help you with?
ZELMA: That waiter gave me a hot dog and I ordered turkey.
WAITRESS: Shame on him. You don't have to worry, he's not with us any longer.
MARGARET: That's good. He was a terrible person.
WAITRESS (leading Margaret and Zelma to their chairs): Now you two just sit down and we'll put everything the way it should be.
ZELMA: You're very kind.
WAITRESS (going over to Margaret's dish): Now let's see what we can do here. (Takes the cover off the dish. There is a hot dog under it.) Well just look at that, another hot dog. (Hunter jumps up and points his rifle at it.)
HUNTER: Want me to get rid of this one?
MARGARET: That won't be necessary. (Hunter sits)
WAITRESS: Say, why don't I break this in half, (She breaks dog in half) and you two can share it.
ZELMA: That's a fine idea. (Waitress gives Zelma the other half.)
WAITRESS: There, that's better, isn't it?
ZELMA: It certainly is.
WAITRESS (to Hunter): And how is your bull's blood cocktail?
HUNTER: It's perfect. Now why don't you come sit on my lap?
WAITRESS: Oh gee, I don't know. I'm pretty new at this.
HUNTER: Come on, sit down. I won't shoot you.
HUNTER: I have a big tip in my pocket.
WAITRESS (slowly sitting on his lap): I've never done anything like this.
HUNTER: Now my fine waitress, I would like to introduce you to Margaret and Zelma.
MARGARET: You know our names.
ZELMA: Oh Margaret, you're right.
HUNTER: I know more than your names. I know why your running away. I know your eating and drinking habits, the way you move, your inconsistent sense of direction, your shoe size, your bra size, and I know all these because it's needed knowledge to complete my job.
MARGARET & ZELMA: Your job?
HUNTER: You see this pretty waitress's face'?
WAITRESS: Thank you.
HUNTER (dipping his hand in the bull's blood): Such a pretty face. (Starts smearing the blood on her face. She squirms and tries to get away, but the Hunter has a tight grip on her.)
MARGARET: Oh God.
HUNTER: Notice the way the tasty and colorful red blood accentuates her blue eyes and pudgy nose. The way it flows in and out of her mouth, adding that needed blush to her cheeks and giving her ears the sensation of dripping red ear rings. (Pours the rest of the blood down her terrified face.) It's watching nature do her final chore-- the blood running down her neck to the rest of her body. Look at yourselves in this screaming blood. Look Margaret and Zelma, because there is no mirror that will reflect your own death.
MARGARET: You mean you're going to kill us?
HUNTER (still smearing blood on Waitress): Don't think of it that way. I'm just going to shorten your lives. Maybe you'll go to heaven or something.
ZELMA: Gee Margaret, that'll be fun if we both go to heaven, then nobody can kill us.
MARGARET (laughing): That's right Zelma! Nobody can kill us!
WAITRESS: I don't know what's so funny. My first time as a waitress, and look at me. What a terrible way to begin.
HUNTER: Don't bitch. Just be thankful you're bathing in someone else's blood and not drowning in your own.
ZELMA: She gets to bathe...
MARGARET: And we get to drown! (Her and Zelma laugh.)
ZELMA: But she stays here...
MARGARET & ZELMA: And we go to heaven. (They stand up and join hands and start dancing around. The band joins in and a chorus consisting of all the actors in the play also join in. They sing, "WE GO TO HEAVEN." During the song, Hunter and Waitress move to the side and just watch. At the end of the song, the rest of the cast is in the background. Margaret and Zelma are downstage center. Frank walks up to Margaret and Ted walks up to Zelma.)
FRANK: Welcome to heaven, dear. (kisses Margaret on the cheek.)
TED: Nice to see you again, Zelma. (Kisses Zelma on the cheek.)
ZELMA: What a surprise to see you here.
FRANK: You think you're surprised. Well anyway, to hell with that misunderstanding we had.
WAITRESS (standing with Hunter on the side): How come they get to go to heaven?
HUNTER: Everybody goes through these silly fantasies before they die.
FRANK (to Margaret and Zelma): Me and Ted'll be running along now...
TED: Yeah, They're giving angelic flute lessons next to the big gate.
FRANK: You and Margaret have a good time.
FRANK AND TED: See ya later. (They start walking off together. )
MARGARET AND ZELMA: When?
TED: It don't matter...
FRANK: We have forever. (They wave as they exit.)
MARGARET AND ZELMA (waving good-bye): Bye. (The Trumpeter walks out and blows an introductory number for the Amazon queen. Amazon queen walks out wearing an angel like costume. Two of the Amazon Girls follow, each carrying a halo.)
AMAZON QUEEN: Hello my dearies. Fancy meeting you here. Don't be frightened, you're in heaven now. The only corner left with uncluttered peace. There are no wars, no time, no everyday worries. Beatings, rapes and killings are meaningless. There is nothing here but peace. It is a little boring at first, but after awhile it's an everyday part of death. So dearies, to help you death it up, I am presenting you with your new halos. (The Trumpeter plays the appropriate notes as the Amazon girls place the halos on Margaret and Zelma's heads.) You'll get your wings after you learn to play the harps. I'd like to welcome you again, to heaven! (The Trumpeter plays some parting notes as Amazon Queen and the Amazon Girls exit.)
ZELMA: I can't believe it.
MARGARET: Yes Zelma, we're in heaven! (Hunter toe dances on the apron as he sings his own interpretation of "BEAUTIFUL DREAMER". He uses his rifle as though it were a parasol. Lights go to a slow blackout at the end of the number. They come up on Frank and Ted sitting at a table.)
FRANK: You know Ted, there's something I've got to tell you. I've made a terrible mistake.
TED: Everybody makes mistakes.
FRANK: I've hired someone to kill your wife.
TED: What's so bad about that. (Zelma walks slowly up and stands beside him. They do not see her.)
FRANK: You don't mind?
TED: If you want to spend your money to kill my wife, that's your business. And besides that, you're killing two birds with one stone.
FRANK: How's that?
TED: You're getting her out of my life and getting her out of her life at the same time.
ZELMA: It's not fair that my life should end just because we don't have a life together.
TED (to Frank): And there's another thing Frank.
FRANK: What's that?
TED: I've hired someone to kill your wife. (Margaret enters and stands beside Frank.)
FRANK: No kidding.
FRANK: Hey, who did you hire?
TED: The Hunter.
FRANK: Hey, me too.
FRANK & TED (to each other): Hey ya know what.
FRANK & TED (to each other): What?
FRANK: I paid the Hunter extra to bring Margaret back.
TED: I did the same for Zelma. (pause) That means...
FRANK & TED: They're coming back dead. (They each look at their respective wives.)
ZELMA (to Ted): What're you gonna do with me when I come back cold and mutilated?
MARGARET (to Frank): Are you going to stuff my breathless remains in your bed?
ZELMA: or are you just going to stare and scream?
FRANK: I couldn't look at you if you came back like that.
TED: If you were dead and away, I could forget.
MARGARET: Do you want to dream of me this way, breathing with color on my cheeks?
ZELMA: Or would you like to dream of me as a nightmare? (Margaret and Zelma slowly exit.)
FRANK (to Ted): I hate to spend all that money just to kill your wife.
TED: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.
FRANK: Come on, we've got to stop him. (They run off the stage. Blackout. A dim light comes up on the hunter.)
HUNTER: It's a dark jungle tonight. The moon is hidden behind the clouds. (Jungle sounds start to fade in. There can be actors creeping through the audience making animal noises. The sounds should start at a slow pace and heighten with the action.) This is the hour of death. (A small spot comes up on the face of Waitress. It is still covered with blood.)
WAITRESS (after a pause): I can't get this red stuff off. (her spot goes out)
HUNTER: As I near my prey, I can feel every vein in my body. It won't be long now. It won't be long before I'm relieved of this pressure. (His light blacks out as another one comes up on the Amazon queen and two of her amazon girls.)
AMAZON QUEEN: Listen my sweet lovelies. That man...
AMAZON GIRLS: We hate men.
AMAZON QUEEN: I'm glad you remember your lesson, but just listen. Now that man that...
AMAZON GIRLS: We hate men.
AMAZON QUEEN (hitting them with her cane): I said shut the fuck up! That man that calls himself The Hunter is trailing our two escaped girls. To bad he's not a woman, cause he's a fantastic hunter. Anyway, we'll follow him and when he finds the girls, we'll cut off his dangling monstrosity and take the girls.
AMAZON GIRLS (cheering): Yea! (Amazon queen laughs. Blackout on them and lights up on Margaret and Zelma.)
MARGARET: God damn, this jungle is dark.
ZELMA: That's good. Maybe he won't be able to see us.
HUNTER'S VOICE: I see better in the dark.
ZELMA: Did you hear something?
MARGARET: Yes, sounded like footsteps.
ZELMA: Maybe it was just some kind of animal. There are a lot of animals in this jungle, you know.
MARGARET: Shhh... It's coming closer.
ZELMA: What're we gonna do?
MARGARET: Quiet. Maybe it'll go away. (They stay still for a second. All of a sudden Waitress jumps into the light. Margaret and Zelma scream.)
WAITRESS: I'm sorry, didn't mean to scare you.
MARGARET: What do you want?
WAITRESS: You forgot to pay your check.
MARGARET: How much?
WAITRESS: Two dollars. That includes the bull's blood sticking to my face.
MARGARET: Here. (Hands her the money): Keep the change. I should've never bought that son-of-a-bitch a drink.
WAITRESS: Well, we both paid for it. Thanks for the tip. I gotta get back to the restaurant. (She exits quietly.) Bye.
ZELMA: Good bye. I feel kinda sorry for the poor girl, that blood smeared all over her face. Do You think it'll ruin her complexion.
MARGARET: They say you can remove bloodstains with cold water.
ZELMA: Yeah, but she's wearing bull's blood.
MARGARET: I guess bull's blood could be kinda tough.
ZELMA:: That poor bull. (Blackout on them and lights come up on Frank and Ted.)
.FRANK: I think I caught sight of him.
TED: What're we gonna do when we catch him?
FRANK: We'll ask him for our money back. Of course we'll let him keep a little for the trouble he's gone through.
TED: Of course. (Waitress walks between them.)
WAITRESS: Oh excuse me. Gotta get back to the restaurant. (She keeps going..)
TED: What was that.
FRANK: Some kind of jungle animal.
TED: It looked injured.
HUNTER'S VOICE: It wasn't injured. It's feelings were just hurt.
FRANK: I think that's him up ahead. Let's catch him. (They run out of the spot. Amazon queen and her Amazon girls enter the spot.)
AMAZON GIRL: Who are those other men.
AMAZON GIRLS: We hate men.
AMAZON QUEEN: They'll be walkin' out of this jungle a pound lighter than when they walked in. (The girls cheer.. Blackout on them and lights come up on Margaret and Zelma. They are in a different area.)
HUNTER'S VOICE: Don't try running. It won't help. (Margaret and Zelma hug each other in tears. Light slowly comes up on Hunter.) I'm about to relieve you of the pressures of everyday life. (Frank and Ted run up to the hunter.)
FRANK & TED: Stop!
FRANK: Don't shoot.
HUNTER: Get outa my way.
FRANK: The deal's off.
HUNTER: It's too late.
TED: You can keep half the money.
HUNTER: Don't disturb me.
MARGARET: Stop him.
FRANK: You can keep all the money.
HUNTER: Money can't relieve the pressure inside me.
TED: We'll give you anything you want.
HUNTER: I want to watch the blood gushing and the heads flying. (Hunter starts aiming carefully.) This one's for Zelma. (Frank and Ted are tugging at the big Hunter to no avail. The following series of events happen very rapidly, just barely giving the audience time to figure out what's happening.
Amazon Queen and the Amazon girls come running out just before the gun is fired. They are going for the Hunter. There is a blackout as the gun is fired. There are screams and a lot of commotion. A small light comes up on Margaret on her knees over Zelma's headless body. Next to the body there is an indistinguishable mass of red stuff. Margaret is in hysterics. That light blacks out and another one comes up on Hunter. He is being pinned to the ground by the Amazon Girls with spears and his rifle. Amazon queen is bending over him with a knife. His pants open at the top, she seemingly castrates him and he screams. The lights go out on them and come up on Margaret.
Margaret is seemingly suspended by a rope on each arm. Zelma's headless body is still in front of her. She is screaming as two of the Amazon Girls are ripping off her clothes. The lights go out on them and come up on Frank. The same thing is happening to him as happened to the Hunter, only it is one of the Amazon girls doing it.. Instead of Amazon queen.
During all of this, the Amazon Girls are cheering and the Jungle noises around the theatre are up to a frenzied intensity. After Frank is castrated, the lights go out on him and again come up on Margaret who is still in the same hanging position. Amazon queen is kissing and hugging her. Margaret is in agonizing tears. The lights go out on her and come up on Ted who is castrated by the Amazon Girls the same way Frank was. The lights go down on him and come up again on Margaret and she is in the same position. Now Amazon queen has her head near Margaret's pubic area. Then there is a blackout on the entire stage.
Everything is silent. A very small spot comes up on Waitress's bloody face. Then the lights come up to show her walking to a table. The Hunter, Frank and Ted are sitting at the table. When they speak to each other their voices are noticeably higher and their gestures are effeminate. Waitress is carrying a tray with a teapot and three cups.
WAITRESS: Here is your tea
HUNTER: Thank you dear. You're very sweet, but I do wish you could get those awful red stains off your face.
WAITRESS: I've tried everything.
FRANK: Have you tried cold water. That's supposed to be very good for those kind of stains.
WAITRESS: I always wash in hot water. I'll try cold water.
TED: It's almost time for us to go to that flower club meeting.
FRANK: Oh yes, I wouldn't want to be late.
HUNTER: That's going to
be a lot of fun. (They say a few
"Yes's" and giggle a little bit.) Could you pass the sugar, dear.