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Robert Red-Baer


Baby Saver Lady
Pill Lady
Foam Lady

This play can be done just about anywhere. The chorus can be done in whatever way you like. The chorus can double as secondary characters.

Copyright 1978 by Robert Red-Baer
Robert Red-Baer offers individuals or theatre groups the production of this play royalty free (profit or non-profit)-- but they must receive permission from Robert Red-Baer.  If interested in producing this play, please click on the following box.

GIRL walks out on stage, not knowing what to do with herself. CHORUS appears behind her.

GIRL: Oh, oh what can I do today? Just what is there to do?

CHORUS: Go to class.

GIRL: It's too early.

CHORUS: Oh. Make love.

GIRL: Love? Love? (BOY comes running in)

BOY: Yeah, love is groovy.

CHORUS: Groovy.

GIRL: I've heard about it.

CHORUS: Groovy. pleasure1.jpg

BOY: Come on girl, don't just stand around.

GIRL: Stand around?

BOY: Yeah, just lay down.

GIRL: On this cold ground?

BOY: It'll warm up.

GIRL: Right here on this ground? Is that love?

BOY: Yeah, that's part of it.

GIRL: All right. (Lays down)

CHORUS: Groovy.

GIRL: Now what? How do I find love?

BOY (Kneeling beside her feet): You find love by putting your feet together.

CHORUS: Together?

GIRL (putting feet together): How do you know about love?

BOY (rubbing her feet): I read about it.

CHORUS: He read about it.

GIRL: Where did you read about it?

BOY: Underground Love Manual number two two three.

CHORUS: It comes in a plain brown wrapper.

GIRL: It sure feels good.

BOY: It's foreplay position nine two eight.

CHORUS: Everyone plays with foreplay.

BOY: Your feet are getting good and warm.

GIRL: They sure are.

CHORUS: Groovy feet.

BOY: Now we move into final coercion position number one one two. (pause) Or is it two one one?

GIRL: Let's try something.

CHORUS: A trip to love.

BOY: Maybe it's position one two one. (Pulls book out of his back pocket and opens it to the index.) Let me see... Fill... Flip... Final. Here we go, page fifty-two. (turns to page) I was right. It is position one one two. (Chorus cheers) An, now we get into the good stuff. (Starts to get into position. REPORTER enters.)

CHORUS: Now what does he want?

REPORTER (with pad and pencil): Excuse me.

BOY: You're disrupting position one one two.

REPORTER: I'm a reporter from your local newspaper.

BOY (jumps up): A reporter?! A real reporter!?

REPORTER: Yes, I'm a real reporter from a real newspaper.

CHORUS: All the news that's fit to print.

GIRL: What happened to final position one one two?

REPORTER: I'm here to give you an exclusive interview.

BOY: You're going to interview me?!

REPORTER : Yes. There is a situation in this country that has aroused the interest and concern of the entire population and it is manifesting itself right here in this city. Your newspaper, the

CHORUS: No names!

REPORTER: doing an intensive study and commentary on this most important problem.

BOY: And you're going to ask me about it?!


GIRL: My feet are cooling.

CHORUS: Now for the question.

BOY: Ask me. Just ask me.

REPORTER: What do you think of the parking situation here?

BOY: I think... I think it sucks.

CHORUS: Ohhh... !

REPORTER: A brilliant observation. Thank you very much. (starts to exit)

BOY: Hey, is it going to be in the newspaper?

REPORTER: It's a very daring comment and I'm going to do my best to get it printed. But you know we have to be very careful about our use of swear words. I mean we have a reputation and we sure wouldn't want to offend any of our readers. (exits)

CHORUS: Love is waiting.

BOY: Ah yes. How could I forget. (Kneels by Girl's feet) Now finally for final coercion position number one one two.

GIRL: Shouldn't we go back to foreplay position nine two eight? I mean, my feet are cold.

BOY: Do you want to find love or not?

GIRL: Yes. Of course I do.

BOY: Then shut up and let me do it right. I read the book and we already did position nine two eight and now we move on to the obvious conclusion with final position one one two.

CHORUS: Naturally.

BOY (demonstrating): Now I lie on my back...


BOY: Now I lie on my back.


BOY: Okay! Now I lay on my back and put my right foot up against your two feet. There, that's it.

CHORUS: Amazing, he knows it by heart.

BOY: Now we move our legs back and forth in a pumping motion, keeping our feet in close contact with each other at all times. (BOOT MAN enters carrying a large boot. He jumps right between them.)

BOOTMAN: Hold it! Do you know what you're doing?


BOOTMAN: Do you realize you are on the verge of destroying all mankind?! (SECURITY GUARD enters with a ticket book.)

CHORUS: It's the security guard. (Everyone jumps up.)

GUARD: (to Boy): Well son, what do you have to say for yourself?

BOY: I'm sorry.

CHORUS: He's sorry.

GUARD: (writing out ticket): I want this to be a lesson to you. Take this and pay it within a week. (Starts walking away.) Young punk students.

BOY: Sir! Excuse me sir?!

CHORUS: He's calling the security guard.

GUARD: What is it?

BOY: What's this ticket for?

GUARD: Illegal parking. (exits)

GIRL (jumping on ground): let's get this show on the road.

CHORUS: Good idea.

BOY (getting down): That's a good idea.

BOOT MAN: Not yet. You must wear this boot.

BOY: Boot?

BOOT MAN: Do you want an unwanted baby? (trying to put boot on Boy.)

GIRL: Oh my God! You mean I could get a baby from this?


BOY: Okay, I'll wear it. I don't have much time. Gotta get to class.pleasure-pill.jpg

CHORUS: Me too.

GIRL: I don't want a baby. (BABY SAVER LADY comes running in and tries to pull boot off.)

SAVER: Don't prevent a child, they're God's children! Let the little tot live! Let it live! (PILL LADY comes running in with a giant pill and tries to give it to Girl. Saver tries to grab pill and boot.)

PILL LADY: Don't listen to them, honey. Take this pill, it's ninety-nine percent effective.

CHORUS: Leaves you with blood clots. (Everyone argues by fighting and repeating their lines. pleasure-foam.jpgFOAM LADY enters.) Stop it. (Everyone freezes) Listen to this one. FOAM LADY (carrying disguised can of shaving cream): This is the best method of all. Fetters foot foam, it lubricates as it prevents. No need to worry about leaky boots or deadly pills. Fun to use, too. Just press the magic button and the miracle foam performs miracles. (Squirts the foam all over the feet and stuff. Everyone unfreezes and continues their fighting.)

CHORUS: Ding dong, time for class. Ding dong, time for class. (Everyone runs off stage.)


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