Herman
Mary
Bernice Nature
Wind
Rain
Lightning
Thunder
MC

 
 
 
 

If any set is used it should be suggestive of the outdoors.

 

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HERMAN is admiring Nature as he gestures above the audience.

HERMAN: This is what I like, the fresh air, the trees, the grass, the clouds, the wind, the rain, the fog, the sunrise, the sunset, the moon, the stars, the great outdoors. (BERNICE enters and watches Herman. She is a very earthy powerful woman.) Yes, this is where man belongs, right here in the fresh air, the trees, the grass, the clouds...

BERNICE: Hello.

HERMAN: the wind, the rain, the fog...

BERNICE: I couldn't help but overhear you talking to yourself. 

HERMAN: Look, this is none of your business. It's between me and nature. So if you don't mind, but out! The sunrise, the sunset, the moon...

BERNICE: I'm as much a part of nature as all those other things.

HERMAN: Bullshit. The stars ...

BERNICE: My eyes sparkle like the stars on a clear night.

HERMAN: The wind!

BERNICE: You don't even know the wind! You don't even know nature!

HERMAN: The rain!

BERNICE (Raising her staff): You want rain. You'll get rain! (The element of the rain is a man with a watering can. He pops up behind Herman and waters his head.)

HERMAN: Hey, it's raining.

BERNICE: That's right, and now it's going to stop. (The rain disappears)

HERMAN: Hey, it stopped.

BERNICE: Are you ready to listen?

HERMAN: What're you trying to tell me? That was just a freak of nature.

BERNICE: You better watch out who you're calling a freak! (She raises her staff and the element of Wind comes out; It consists of two girls swishing Herman across the stage with their long hair. It is done in very slow motion with wind sounds in the background.) Enough wind! (The wind exits)

HERMAN: Just who are you?

BERNICE: Are you ready to listen now?

HERMAN: Okay, I'll listen.

BERNICE: My name is Bernice Nature, better known to you as mother.

HERMAN (laughing): That's insane. You're crazy.

BERNICE (angry): Insane?! Crazy?! Okay all you elements of mine, (The ELEMENTS pop on the stage. Including the wind and rain, there is thunder; an actor with two garbage can lids. Lightning; an actor holding a silver painted lightning bolt.) Sock it to him!!! (The Elements throw him across the stage in slow motion with lots of noise.)

HERMAN: I believe! I am a believer!! (The Elements stop and as Bernice speaks the Elements lift Herman up as though he were a puppet on strings and move him to Bernice.)

BERNICE: Now as I told you, my name is Bernice Nature. You can call me Bernice. (pause) Call me Bernice!

HERMAN: Bernice. (The Elements release Herman and they exit.)

BERNICE: Now as a rule I'm a very happy person by my own nature. But every thousand years or so I get extremely restless and that means I'm due for a romance, a husband. The stars, as my eyes have chosen you, Herman.

HERMAN: You even know my name.

BERNICE: Of course. Now my darling Herman it is up to you. You have your own freewill. (She waits for Herman to reply.) Use your damn free will and be romantic!

HERMAN: Bernice, I uh...

BERNICE: Tell me how much you love me.

HERMAN: Tell me how much you love me.

BERNICE: Get it right!

HERMAN: Tell you how much love... Tell love how you... Love tell much...

BERNICE: One more chance.

HERMAN: I love you?

BERNICE: Before you met me in person you told me lots of romantic things. Now let's try and be romantic.

HERMAN: I love your foggy eyes, your rainy ears, your windy lips, your lightning breasts, your hurricane feet...

BERNICE: And to think I've waited a thousand years for this. I guess even nature can't be perfect every time.

HERMAN: The way your bellybutton moves in and out like the oceans' tides. Your knees like the smiling sun. Your feet like pulsating thunder...

BERNICE: Okay, Herman with your own free will--Don't you think it's about time you asked me something?

HERMAN: Ask you what?

BERNICE (During this speech, Bernice gets emotionally hysterical. Herman responds very strongly to this-through facial gestures and the shaking of his head "Yes" and "'No".): Don't be stupid. You've been leading me on with all your fancy words, turning on all my elements with your own free will breaking me down and making me fall in love with you. And now you think you can just walk away leaving me nude and susceptible to the whims of any beggar that wants me? Herman, you have to think of my feelings: You can't treat me like some inhuman machine. You know the solution. You know what question you must ask me if you have any sense of moral decency!

HERMAN (falling to his knees): Will you marry me?!

BERNICE: Yes. The wedding will be tomorrow morning when my sun hits the top of that tree. (Elements enter and line up behind Bernice) And under the eyes of the elements and myself we will be together for the rest of your eternity. So now I will go until then, so you can prepare yourself my darling--But remember, I'll be keeping an eye on you. Until tomorrow. (She exits with the Elements hold each of their eyes open with a finger. Rain gives Herman a little splash and lightning gives him a little poke as they exit.)

HERMAN: Prepare myself? How can I prepare myself against flash floods and devastating tornadoes. Hey, ya know what, I'll bet she's a real whirlwind in bed. Mother Nature and me. (pause) What am I talking about? I barely survived the proposal. I can't do it! I won't do it! (Herman turns from the audience to show a passing of time. MARY enters as he turns back to the audience.)

MARY: Herman, I'm here. You asked me to come.

HERMAN: That's right Mary. Something has happened. I want you to marry me.

MARY: Oh Herman, I thought you'd never ask.

HERMAN: We've got to do it right away, before tomorrow.

MARY: Sure Herman, but why so soon?

HERMAN: Because nature won't let us wait.

MARY: Oh Herman, you're such a beast! (She hugs him and they exit. Bernice enters with the ELEMENTS).

BERNICE: Promises, promises, promises--that's all I ever get. And people wonder why they can't predict the weather. The weather can't predict them. (Herman and Mary enter, walking in front of Bernice and the Elements. They cannot see the Elements or Bernice.)

MARY: Oh Herman. Now we're finally married.. Where are we going on our honeymoon?

BERNICE: You're going to take a trip. (Not heard)

HERMAN: Gee, I haven't even thought about that.

BERNICE: You won't be thinkin' about nothin'!

MARY: I think it's going to rain.

BERNICE: Good-bye again my darling Herman. (She raises her staff and the ELEMENTS carry the couple off stage with Bernice following and smiling. MC enters.)

MC: Herman and Mary were picked up by a tornado, scorched while flying past an erupting volcano, dropped into a ravine and drowned by a flash flood.